2017 Last Chance Marathon

I'll spare you the details, but believe me when I say that I've experienced my fair share of hardships and setbacks in this sport. Between health issues, crippling fatigue, injuries, and bad races- I've been heartbroken over and over again. The latest devastating experience came in Tokyo 7 months ago. As I lined up to start the Tokyo Marathon, I thought I had finally reached a point where my setbacks were behind me. I did a ton of work for that race, and had soaring expectations. I was fully convinced that my moment to qualify for Boston had finally arrived. And at mile 18 in Tokyo, my hopes came crashing down. I hit the wall and walked to the finish line in anguish and defeat.

I felt shattered. The same way I had felt over and over again for the past 11 years. After every gut-wrenching defeat, I battled with the question "maybe this isn't something I am capable of".  After Tokyo I came very close to losing faith in accomplishing this goal. I felt crushed by the weight of this doubt. The possibility of never qualifying for Boston was agonizing.

It took a long time to recover from Tokyo, both physically and emotionally. I was in a bad place after that race. I felt hopeless and filled with self-doubt. Picking myself up and putting myself back together took so much work. It was especially difficult because I knew that if I tried to qualify again, I would likely fail. How could I put myself through this again? How could I resume training after 11 years of continual heartbreak? In getting back on the proverbial horse, I told myself, "I don't care how many times I fail, I will keep trying until the day I die".

Slowly but surely, I got back into training. But this training cycle was unlike anything I've ever done. I began working with Jeremy Shingleton who graciously took me under his wing.  Jeremy is an accomplished runner with a deep knowledge about the sport. My conversations with Jeremy began as a simple exchange of ideas about training principals and theories. Over time, the relationship developed into an exceptionally close coach/athlete relationship. Jeremy crafted a plan of attack to get me to Boston. His plan went so far above and beyond mileage. We covered pacing, weight-loss, recovery, nutrition, fueling, shoes, hills, stretching, rolling, strength training, drills, strides etc. We spoke daily and addressed everything at a detailed level.

Here is a graph of my mileage build-up from 5/1/17 until the race on 9/9/17. This exemplifies the meticulous planning that went into this training cycle. Every run was contemplated and discussed. Every week of the training cycle was planned with meaning and careful thoughtfulness. It was methodical, calculated, disciplined and scientific.

I put a great deal of emphasis on nutrition and weight loss. I weighed 160 lbs at the time of the Tokyo marathon. But by shedding some weight, it would require less energy cover 26.2 miles. I made some dramatic changes to my diet to lose 15 pounds and get my body fat down to 7.5%

Over the next 5 months I completely poured myself into the training. I've never been so disciplined in executing a training plan. I was regularly waking up at 4:30am, pushing through fatigue and exhaustion, and doing whatever it took to get my workouts done. I averaged 60 miles/week and peaked at 75 miles. This type of mileage was completely uncharted territory for me. As a result, I saw my fitness soar to levels that I've never reached. My workouts started coming easily. I was regularly doing workouts at 6:30-6:40 pace and felt completely comfortable there. By the time the race came around, it was clear that I was in the best shape of my life.

The race was in Geneva, IL about 1 hour outside of Chicago. The course is a 3.25 mile loop that is run 8 times. My family was kind enough to come out and support me, and the loop course was perfect for people cheering. I was excited to know that I would see them 8 times during the race. With a start of 6:30am, I woke up at 3:00am to start fueling and preparing. But it didn't really matter since I barely slept.

It was a small race, about 300 runners. The race is completely focused on getting runners to Boston, so it offered pace groups below the qualifying standard. My qualifying standard is 3:10, but I needed to be at least 3 minutes under the standard in order to have a good chance of going to Boston. I lined up with the 3:06 pace group which was pretty close to the start line.

The gun went off and the race started! Within the first few steps I immediately started feeling a pain in my stomach. It was a tightness in my belly that made me feel uncomfortable. I couldn't find a good rhythm and I tried to breathe through the stomach tightness. But it just wasn't going away. I then started burping and heaving up this acidic bile. The stuff was brown and gross. The situation was bad. For the next 8 miles I dealt with this. I felt fatigued and low on energy. I maintained a steady 7:00-7:05 pace but I was working too hard. The pace group pulled ahead of me, and I just hung off the back of the group (there were about 15 people in this pack). During these first 8 miles, I was certain that I wouldn't be able to finish the race. My outlook was not good. I kept thinking to myself, "Here you are again… about to drop out of another marathon, about to face another devastation." My family cheered for me when I saw them and I just tried to smile and pretend like everything was fine.

But around mile 10 something changed. My stomach finally loosened up which allowed my energy levels to return to normal. By mile 13 I felt better than I had all race! The pace was comfortable, and I was relaxed. I was feeling so great at this point and I continued at 7:00-7:05 pace. I pulled ahead of the pace group which still stayed tightly packed with around 10 guys.

I noticed another guy who maintained a steady pace and he also pulled ahead of the pace group. We naturally linked up and ran side-by-side as we stayed ahead of the group. After recognizing that we were working together, we started talking a bit. His name was John, and he was also trying to make his first appearance at Boston. John and I would end up working together for the next 10 miles. It was great running with him. Having him at my side was absolutely critical to my race.

Between mile 13-16 I started to feel a bit of fatigue, but it really wasn't terrible. When I saw my family during this loop I was much more excited. By the time I got to mile 16 I recalled what my coach told me to do at this point. "Once you're at 16, just focus on getting to 20." I was still feeling relatively energetic and surprised by how little fatigue I was experiencing. Some muscle soreness was starting to build in my left leg.

By the time I reached mile 17, I acknowledged that I was experiencing something I had never felt before… I actually felt good at mile 17 of a marathon! I had run 4 marathons prior to this, and in every one of them, I started fading at mile 17. But for the first time, I felt great! Now don't get me wrong, I was still working very hard. Fatigue had set in, my breathing was labored, and my muscles ached… but I knew I had enough energy to hold on for 10 more miles. For the first time all race, I started to believe that today was my day.

After 2-3 loops I developed and a familiarity and comfort with the course. This helped put me at ease as the fatigue grew stronger. Plus seeing my family so many times gave me a massive boost. At mile 19 I passed my family and this time I showed more enthusiasm. I said to them, "we're gonna do this!" and they went nuts!!

When I reached mile 20, I continued to be in shock of how much energy I had. Muscle soreness in my quads kept building and I had to start working harder to maintain pace. But at this point, I felt confident that I was going to Boston. I recalled another thing my coach told me, "At mile 20, pause to reflect on what you've accomplished. Appreciate the moment." Something I had dreamed about for so long was about to happen. I truly couldn't believe it. Thousands upon thousands of miles were leading up to this point.

Being so close to the finish really carried me, but I had 6 miles to go and was still concerned about blowing up. At this point I knew that the only thing getting in my way was doing something stupid, so I wanted to be cautious of not pushing too hard.

Fatigue was setting in deeply at this point. My quads were on fire and cramping up big time, and my stomach locked up again. I got a bad stomach cramp that would not go away. But it didn't matter how badly I was hurting, I could taste the finish line. At mile 22 I saw my family again, and they went crazier than ever before! They knew that I was going to do it. As I passed by them I yelled, "See you at the finish line!"

Because I had slowed a bit from miles 18-22, the 3:06 pace group had now caught up to me. However, the entire group of guys had fallen back. The only person left in the 3:06 pace group was the pacer. As he passed me, the pacer said, "you need to keep me in your sights!" I picked up the pace, and just tried to prevent him from getting away from me.

I now had 1 lap left… 3.25 miles to go. The pain was intense at this point, but it didn't matter. I just had to hang on for a little longer and I was going to Boston. At mile 24 I noticed that John was starting to fade a bit. Before I knew it, he had dropped back. I didn't say anything, I just gave him a small wave and kept pushing forward. I was so grateful to have him by my side throughout such a crucial portion of the race.

With 1.5 miles remaining, the pacer turned around and saw that I was the last man left in the 3:06 pace group. He slowed down for me to catch up and I said to him, "get me to the finish". I was exhausted but I knew that I had it won. The intense discomfort was drowned out by the excitement I felt. With 1 mile remaining I started to press pretty hard. My pace dipped below 7:00 and I remember thinking, "just don't trip and fall on your face!". My legs were seizing up with cramps, and my quads felt a searing, deep fatigue. But none of that mattered, I had less than 1 mile to go!

During that final mile I was being pushed by the pacer. He ran alongside me and he encouraged me to keep pressing. We got to speaking a bit and he told me his name was Chris. I told him that I had been trying to qualify for 11 years, and I had been dreaming of this moment. He said he was honored to share it with me.

With a quarter mile to go, the finish line came into sight. A decade of miles, sweat, and tears came down to this moment.  There was a big crowd and they went wild. I ran as hard as I could and started sprinting!! As I approached the finish line I let out a massive scream! In the blink of an eye, 11 years of pain and frustration had turned into victory and happiness. The level of elation and joy was off the charts. I was in shock. It felt surreal. Surely I must be dreaming. Immediately after crossing the line I was embraced by my family. We were hugging, and crying, and jumping around. This was one of the best moments of my life.

Mile 1- 7:08

Mile 2- 6:59

Mile 3- 7:01

Mile 4- 7:01

Mile 5- 6:56

Mile 6- 7:07

Mile 7- 6:59

Mile 8- 7:05

Mile 9- 7:07

Mile 10- 6:59

Mile 11- 7:08

Mile 12- 7:01

Mile 13- 6:57

Mile 14- 7:11

Mile 15- 7:03

Mile 16- 7:14

Mile 17- 7:02

Mile 18- 7:13

Mile 19- 7:11

Mile 20- 7:14

Mile 21- 7:15

Mile 22- 7:06

Mile 23- 7:03

Mile 24- 7:04

Mile 25- 6:54

Mile 26- 6:57

0.2- 1:51 (5:54 pace)

FINISH- 3:05:49 (7:05 pace), 31 minute PR

Acknowledgements:

My friends: For as long as I've been a runner they've had to deal with my obsession for the sport. I know it's not easy. Thank you for putting up with me when I'm being lame and need to go to bed early. Thank you for tolerating my endless chatter about running and pretending to be interested in it. I understand that I'm not normal. 

My Teammates: I've said over and over that joining the Whippets was the best decision I've made since moving to New York. Moving to a new city without knowing many people was daunting. But I found myself embraced and welcomed by this remarkable group of people. I feel so fortunate for the strong bonds and deep relationships that I've developed on this team. There's no question that this BQ is a direct result of joining the Whippets. The support and camaraderie is invaluable, and I'm so inspired by the many talented and passionate runners in the group. I am filled with pride every time I throw on a Whippet singlet, and it is an absolute privilege to call you guys my teammates.

My Coach: Jeremy- I don't know what I did to deserve the type of involvement you provided me. The amount of time, energy, and thoughtfulness you put into this was one of the most meaningful gestures I've ever received. You recognized how upset I was after Tokyo, and took it upon yourself to lift me up and guide me on this journey. Your mentorship enabled me to reach levels that I had only dreamed about. I've always had tremendous respect and admiration for the passion and dedication that you exemplify through your training. Having you as a coach is a true honor.

My Family: Having you guys at the race was absolutely epic! Your cheering was insane, and knowing that you were just around the corner every few miles totally got me through the race. Thank you for your endless support, the hilarious signs, and always believing in me. Our celebration on the finish line is a memory that I will re-live and cherish forever.

It's now been a full week since the race, and I'm still trying to process what happened. I honestly don't know where to go from here. For as long as I've been a runner, qualifying for Boston has been a single and intense focus of mine. There are still more goals that I would like to accomplish, but I have a huge sense of relief right now.

I hope this experience serves as proof that you should never give up on your dreams. No matter how many times I was knocked down, no matter how hopeless I felt, I always kept moving forward. I would encourage you to hold onto your dreams even if they seem like a mere fantasy. If you want it badly enough, you will make it happen.

2017 United NYC Half Marathon

Going into this race, I tried not to have any expectations. Being only 3 weeks removed from the Tokyo Marathon, I was not in optimal condition to race. In fact, I was in poor condition. My recovery from the Tokyo Marathon has not gone well. My legs have been tired and I am low on energy. But what's more troubling is that my head hasn't been in a good place either. Tokyo dealt me a bad blow, and I'm still dealing with the disappointment that I experienced on that day. Since that race, I've been lacking enthusiasm and I feel overwhelmed by the thought of enduring another marathon training cycle. While I tried not to have any expectations for yesterday's race, I was hoping for a good performance to help restore my motivation and excitement for training.

On Friday after the expo, I bumped into Meb on the 1 Train. We rode together and talked about recovering from a disappointing race. He gave me some meaningful and inspiring advice, and he encouraged me to keep moving forward. Meb is an invaluable gift to the running world, and it was an honor to spend this time with him.

My race plan was to start out at a very comfortable effort for the first half of the race, and see if I could gradually get faster in the 2nd half for a strong finish. At 6:00am I met up with my teammate, Steve, and we walked to the start line. Despite plenty of pre-race speculation, the weather ended up being manageable. It was 33 degrees with winds that would be at our back for most of the race.

The gun went off and it was very congested, but I was fine with that since I wanted a conservative start. The start of the race loops through Central Park, and while it was nice being in familiar territory, the hills made for a challenging and uneven effort. I moved through the first 4 miles at 6:50-7:00 pace. That pace that should have felt easy since it's close to my marathon pace. But the lack of recovery from Tokyo was noticeable here. 6:50 pace required far more effort than I would have liked. By mile 5 I started having flashbacks to Tokyo and I developed anxiety about crashing. I became very worried that I wouldn't be able to hold this pace and I might fall apart. I just tried to relax, focus on my breathing, and have faith in my abilities.

Around mile 6 we exited the park. At this point I got a nice boost of energy and I was ready to start pressing. I quickened the pace and was feeling decent. I wasn't feeling amazing or anything, but definitely more energetic than before. This part of the race runs south down 7th Avenue. It was pretty neat running through Times Square. At this point I was all smiles and waiving to the spectators that I recognized.

When we turned West on 42nd Street I was blasted in the face with a strong headwind. I tried to draft behind some bigger runners, but it didn't help. Fortunately this stretch only lasted for a half mile. Once I got onto the West Side Highway I was cruising. I passed the 8 mile marker and dipped below 6:30 pace. I was passing a lot of people and feeling strong. This was the old me, this is what I love about racing. I started to remember how good it felt to close strong and push through fatigue. It had been so long since I've felt this way.

By mile 9 and 10 I could still tell that the recovery from Tokyo was holding me back. On fresh legs I'd be absolutely hammering these miles, but under the circumstances, all I could do was try to hold onto the faster pace of 6:25-6:30. I was still a little nervous about crashing, but by mile 11 I knew that I'd survive.

I latched onto a guy from New York Harriers, and we worked together over mile 11 and 12. This was a big help and enabled me to deal with the intense fatigue.

With one mile remaining I was ready to rock. I surged hard! I was flying by people and pouring everything I had into the finish. I passed my friend Jeremy who jokingly yelled something derogatory at me. It made me push even harder! I kicked to the finish with everything I had, and despite the searing pain, I loved every second of it. I ran the last mile in 5:35.

As always, it was a pleasure seeing my teammates both on and off the course. They pushed me to run harder and it was great catching up with everyone at the post-race brunch.

Overall, this race was a positive experience that I desperately needed. The Tokyo marathon was only 3 weeks ago, and I'm certainly not recovered from it. In yesterday's half marathon my body had no "pop" and it noticeably held me back. On fresh legs I know that I'm capable of so much more than 1:26. That said, this race was encouraging because it reminded that I'm still capable of running strong. It helped spark some of the enthusiasm that Tokyo snuffed out. I'm looking forward to reaching a point where I'm 100% recovered so that I can resume working towards my goals. 

2017 Tokyo Marathon

My goal for this race was to qualify for the Boston Marathon by running a few minutes under 3:10. Based on my recent racing and training, I thought this was a very realistic goal. In fact, I couldn't have asked for a better training season. My coach, Neely Spence Gracey, put together a carefully thought out plan for me, and the results were outstanding. I stayed 100% healthy throughout the cycle. I was stronger and faster than I've ever been in my life. I felt very confident going into this race. 

Race day conditions were perfect. It was 45 degrees at the start with hardly any wind. While waiting in the start corral I was brimming with excitement and eager to start the race. The gun went off and we were showered with a massive spray of white confetti. 

I had a huge smile on my face for the first mile. I was thrilled that the moment I spent so much time preparing for had finally arrived. The crowds were unreal. At least 4 people deep from start to finish. And not only had I never seen this many people lined on the course, they were going nuts! The enthusiasm they showed filled me with energy. 

I was completely relaxed and comfortable through the first 10 miles. I was moving along at a 7:00-7:05 pace and felt amazing! I was sticking to the plan almost to the second. My energy level was high and I was certain that I'd finish strong and achieve my goal. At this point in the race I thought to myself, "after all the years of frustration and disappointment, you're finally going to do it!"

At Mile 11 I saw my friend and host, Nao, who was there to cheer for me. I threw up a fist and cheered right back at him. I was pumped!!

I hit the half in 1:32:35, right on pace. I was exactly where I wanted to be and feeling great. But by mile 14 some fatigue started to set in, and at mile 15 I started to fade a bit. I still kept an even pace from miles 15-18, but I had to work much harder for it. 

By mile 18 I knew that I was in trouble. I slowed down to a 7:30-7:40 pace and thought maybe I could hang on and still finish under 3:10. I thought about all the people back home cheering for me and about how desperately I wanted to go to Boston. But the mental encouragement could only get me so far, eventually my failing body took over. 

By mile 20 I was running on fumes. I was still trying to salvage the race and make the most of it, but by mile 21 I crashed. My body completely shut down. I had no energy left and could do nothing but walk. I was shocked and devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I tried to run, even at a snail's pace, but after a few seconds of running, my body said "NO!" and forced me to walk again. 

I must have looked horrifying because every few minutes a medic tried to pull me off the course. But I refused to go with them. I insisted on moving forward. I was dizzy, light headed, exhausted, and close to losing consciousness. A sane person would have stepped off the course and called it a day. 

I trudged along with whatever I could muster (and it wasn't much). I shuffled and stumbled my way forward. Cramping in my legs caused my muscles to lock up in searing pain, and nausea made my stomach wretch. After an hour and a half of pure misery, I finally crossed the finish line in a time of 3:46. Suffering like that for so long was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life. 

It was difficult knowing how many people were watching me and pulling for me. I'm so grateful for the support, yet I can't help but feel like I've let people down. I'm also bothered by the mentality of "you're nothing more than your race time." I can't help but feel like I am somehow held in a lower esteem because of this failure. But ultimately I hope I'm judged for who I am as a person and not my finish times. 

Along those lines, it's important that I stay focused on maintaining internal motivations for running. The support of the running community is an amazing thing. But it can also lead to running for reasons that are superficial in nature. It's easy to lose sight of the fact that I should be running for myself, not for the approval or validation of others. 

While I am heartbroken by the result of last week's race, this sport would not be as meaningful without the failures and challenges it presents us. I've experienced many more setbacks than victories in running. I've been crushed and devastated over and over. Yet the thought of walking away has never crossed my mind. To borrow a quote from Kara Goucher, "Nothing in my life has ever broken my heart the way running has. And yet I cannot breathe without it."

Special recognition needs to go out to Perry and Nao. Perry has been a supportive training partner since I joined the Whippets, and it has been so much fun sharing this adventure with him. He has faced setbacks of his own in striving for this goal, and I'm very proud of him for achieving it. Nao has absolutely blown me away with his generosity and hospitality. He took us into his home in Tokyo, and was an invaluable tour guide. He translated for us, helped us order the most delicious food, and gave us an insider's look at his spectacular city. Our trip was enhanced immeasurably because of him. 

I did not allow the disappointing race to impact my enjoyment of this trip. Exploring Japan has been an amazing vacation and tremendous adventure. This was truly the journey of a lifetime. Moving forward, I will go back to the drawing board to come up with a plan. I'll need some time to recover both physically and emotionally, but it won't be long before I'm on the road to Boston again.